When my wife and I began dating another friend of mine began to hang out with some people who didn’t like Julie much. We were already getting serious about one another. That friend, at some point, confronted me and said Hey you can date whoever you want, but don’t bring her around. She wanted me to come to parties and events that she was at, and leave my fiance at home. We could be friends, but not if my wife were around. I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way. I don’t believe I’ve spoken to her since. You see, marriage is a covenant. A covenant is so much more than a contract. A contract is how modern society tries to treat it though. It’s seen as utilitarian. “You give me this, and I’ll give you that.” Then we hear things like “I just don’t feel like I used to.” “She doesn’t spend as much time as I want.” “He doesn’t fulfill my need for conversation.” Don’t get me wrong, some relationships don’t work out. If you’re in an abusive one, this is not what I am talking about. What I am talking about is this common occurrence in modern society to not be “til death do us part” but rather “till something better comes along” or till “you don’t make me feel the way I want to feel.”
Again, marriage is a covenant. Instead of “You give me this, and I give you that,” marriage says “I give you me, and you give me you.” It’s a complete giving of a person, not holding anything back. (This is why Catholics are against contraception too because it says I give you all of me “except this.”) It’s an exchange of persons. Anyone who would expect me then to do things that don’t include my wife, or purposefully exclude her, doesn’t understand what real marriage is about. There will be times of course when you go out with your friends and she doesn’t want to be there, or where you have a men’s or women’s group that meets to talk about issues that would be more awkward or less engaging with a person of the opposite sex there. Those aren’t what I’m talking about either. I’m talking about willingly going somewhere that invites someone else into the relationship where the spouse rightly should be. Things like strip clubs, watching pornography, having a friend who you confide things in that you wouldn’t even tell your wife (especially dangerous if this is a member of the opposite sex who you are in any way attracted too.)
When we enter a covenant with our spouse, we are saying I am detached from others and attached to you. Our relationship rightly changes. There are certain things we do not do anymore. Precisely because being in a covenant relationship looks different than being just friends or acquaintances. What does all of this have to do with today’s readings? We are in a covenant relationship with God. Our lives should look different. Just as there are things I don’t do because I am married, and behaviors that are only appropriate in my marriage and with my wife, so too is our relationship with God. That’s why scripture constantly refers to idolatry in terms of adultery. Because to be in covenant with God means in our relationship He is the center of everything. This Gospel reading isn’t talking about actually hating people. It’s rather using idiomatic language (hyperbole if you will) to express that in Covenant relationships the focus has to be on the persons involved, the love between the two, the object of your affection. Anytime I put anything before Jesus, I am ‘cheating’ on my spouse. Family, work, relationships, and physical/material pleasure must come last, and our spouse first.
1618 Christ is the center of all Christian life. The bond with him takes precedence over all other bonds, familial or social. From the very beginning of the Church there have been men and women who have renounced the great good of marriage to follow the Lamb wherever he goes, to be intent on the things of the Lord, to seek to please him, and to go out to meet the Bridegroom who is coming. Christ himself has invited certain persons to follow him in this way of life, of which he remains the model:
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As the Catechism reference reminds us, this is exactly what it means to ‘count the cost.’ Discipleship is a complete, and 100% commitment. It’s not something you do only at Church, or only in a prayer closet. It’s how you live your life. Now back to marriage. How can we put our wives first and put Jesus first? Sacrificial love, first and foremost. Secondly, realizing the meaning of this statement: It takes 3 for 2 to become 1. Mathematically that looks like this 3 = 2 + 1. Or expressed another way. 3 – 2 =1 . In order for husband and wife to enter the marriage covenant, they must get out of the way and let God do the work. The three together (God, husband, and wife) are transformed into One Body, and the result with work, love, and the marital embrace is the creation of life. That’s the fullest expression of the trinity. It requires hard work, sacrifice, and putting the other first.
That’s also what St. Paul means when he says “Love is the fulfillment of the law.” Love is always putting God first, who in His infinite love for us puts the rest of humanity first. So we serve one another, love one another, and if every person is worried about the others’ needs… and the other is worried about their needs? Then both have everything they ever actually need. That’s sacrificial love. That’s what it means in Ephesians when it says: “Submit yourselves one to another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21) When we detach ourselves from the world and attach ourselves to Christ… everything falls into place. So count the cost, because it’s not easy to live a true life of reliance only on Jesus… but when we do, oh when we do… we will see all the love we put into this covenant relationship with Him creating life in the most miraculous ways in every person we meet.
After all, how can you grab hold of Him, if your hands are already full?
A reflection on the readings for November 6th, 2019: Wednesday of the 31st Week in Ordinary Time.