When I was younger, I went to someone’s house I wasn’t supposed to. I was supposed to be going to a friend’s house but stopped by some guys playing basketball. One thing led to another, and I was involved in a game at a place I was never supposed to be, had been forbidden to go to. So what was the harm, right? How would anyone ever know? Well, I broke my ankle. Kind of hard to hide where I was and what I was doing. I remember thinking my dad would kill me! He never said a word. All he did was look at me. It was enough. I can to this day remember the shame I felt for disobeying him.
Sometimes I think that’s how we feel about confession, and that’s an error. All too often, we see it as an encounter with God who is looking at us in our shame, waiting to give us penance because we are so bad. Especially when we are back again for the same thing… the same thing.. the same thing… We all seem to have that one thing we can’t kick, that habit or emotion that just gets the best of us even when we don’t want it to. St. Paul put it this way: “ I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” (Romans 7:15) I feel that way every time. I am one of those people who tries to go weekly, too, so each week, I go into that confessional expecting the look of shame that I also know in my heart will not be there. But I fear it, I shake inside, I dread the confession.
But it never comes… instead comes love. Mercy. Forgiveness. The lightness of heart. Today, the priest said to me, inspired by the Holy Spirit I am certain, “God is so proud of you. You are His beloved son, and He is so glad you keep trying. God needs you to know that just like Jesus at the baptism in the Jordan, He is looking down on you right now with love and joy, saying, “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.” And with that… a few tears may have formed in my eyes.
That’s confession. It’s an encounter with a father who does not seek to shame us only to help us rectify those things in our lives that won’t ever bring us happiness. He just wants to lift us up. My dad wanted to do the same, and the shame I felt? That was all on me. Remember that about confession.. that shame you feel? That’s not from God. Guilt? Maybe. If it leads you to repentance, but shame? No. But he also wants you to know it’s ok. What a relief to know as I walk away from there that I am forgiven and that God just wants me to know He loves me!
Today I cried tears of joy in the confessional and all He had to do, was look at me.