Most people who know me, know that I’ve struggled with chronic kidney stones for over 10 years. That coupled with fibromyalgia, several types of arthritis, 13 fused vertebrae in my back, etc made for an interesting journey. What will 10 years of that do to you? What have I learned from it?
1. You can get used to pain.
This one is not something I’d have thought twenty years ago. When the doctors removed the last 4 kidney stones, measuring at 1 cm each, I woke up feeling off. I couldn’t figure it out at first. Something was wrong! It took me most of the first day to realize what was wrong was that my kidney wasn’t hurting constantly. Sure the stint in place wasn’t pleasant, the catheter was by no means fun, but the constant ache that I had gotten so used to was gone. I still have pain in other places, but I find comfort that I can go to the bathroom now without the pain of stones moving around or passing another small piece.
It’s almost like the old story that a frog in a pot of water can be boiled alive because he never realizes it’s getting hotter.. he just gets used to the temperature as it increases. Pain seems to do that when it’s constant. It never really goes away, and you do have to deal with it daily… but it becomes part of you. So much so that it feels weird not to have it.
2. Someone always has it worse…
Throughout this time of my life, I was truly blessed to meet and speak with people who had a much worse time with pain and sickness than I did. That may sound strange. What I mean is, there are people out there who deal with much worse pain than I have ever experienced with much more grace than I tend to show. Learning from them I began to see that the pain was an opportunity to truly do as we Catholics say and “offer it up.” In understanding that there are others who deal with higher levels, more difficult hardships, and much higher levels of pain; it made sense that God wants us to offer up the things in our lives at our level.
It also reminded me when I was feeling sorry for myself, that sometimes I was complaining to someone who by all rights should have been the one complaining to me. How much closer to others you find yourself when you’ve suffered. When they begin to talk of their struggles, you understand. You can empathize with them, even if it’s a different struggle. I think God uses hardship in his permissive will to help us grow, to help us be there for others in a way that is truly compassionate.
3. Pain can draw us closer to Christ, closer than I ever imagined
This may have been the most humbling lesson of all. Anyone who has been in a hospital for kidney treatment, urinary tract infections, and ladies who go through exposure so much more often than men… there is something humiliating and vulnerable to being exposed to someone else. Having someone work in that region of your body, touch you in a place that is meant for intimacy, and having others stand around watching… it’s difficult at best.
In my last hospital stay, I was laying in the bed with a blocked catheter. This a teaching hospital so it’s hardly ever just one person with you. Five people were gathered around my bed, my lower body exposed, working to place a new tube. I was embarrassed, even though I should not have been. I felt ashamed, scared, vulnerable.
A word popped into my head. “ignominy”. Praying the stations of the cross with the Knights of Columbus brings that word out during the sorrowful mysteries. How that Jesus suffered the ultimate insult, embarrassment, shame. I had just watched Chris Olson perform as Jesus in the Passion play with my wife as Mary before driving up here. It all hit me deeply in my heart. This is the kind of thing he experienced for me. This is the love Jesus had for each and every single one of us. Even if you were the only human he could save, he would have done it. I felt him draw close to me. I cannot describe in words that embrace of love that I felt from God.
4. I’d do it again….
As I grow older, I find myself now seeking to spend time with others. Where I used to love to argue on Facebook and debate apologetics, now I just want to share my love of Jesus. Its much harder in this world where people average more screen time than conversation. Now if we can just get to where we see Jesus in the faces of all we meet, greeting him when he’s happy or sad, angry or pleasant, in pain or comfort… I’d go through 1000 more embarrassing moments, a dozen more kidney stones, just to help someone else find that. And I’m still learning…